In which we learn why Tanya started a blog....
As stated in my About Me column, this blog is mostly for me to figure some things out. I am at a crossroads in my life, and I honestly don't know what direction to commit to. My high school English teacher said to me that you can't really know what your answer to anything is until you sit quietly and write it down. Writing, or verbal vomiting as she was fond of saying, helps you work things out in your own mind and can take you to a place within yourself that you could never had recognized had you not started to write whatever came into your head without fear. Many of my classmates and I learned surprising truths about ourselves and each other by this simple exercise.
I am a big believer in the quote, "Fortune favors the brave." I first heard that quote in the "Hush" episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and then later in the musical Aida. Those words struck me deeply, as they still do. Because bravery is not my natural inclination, this quote is a constant reminder that if I want my life to be more than empty experiences and dull interactions with people, I need to do the things that frighten me. They lead me to beautiful, crazy fun, breathtaking experiences more often than not. This motto has also helped me create the most amazing relationships that I would never have had if I had not been brave enough to initiate that first contact or pick-up line, even as silly and simple as it was at the time.
But as I approach my twenty-sixth birthday, simply being brave just isn't cutting it anymore. I've had wonderful things happen to me (more importantly, I went out and helped them happen), but I'm not remotely close to where I want to be at this age. A huge part of this feeling comes from my fiance calling off our wedding and leaving me two years ago (possibly more on that later, but that story doesn't have a place in this post). The rug was completely pulled out from under me and I fell on my face. The life I had built and the future I was preparing for was suddenly gone....with no more ceremony than a car driving away from me. And there was nothing I could say. He gave me no choice but to accept this new reality.
I did however have a choice in how to handle it. I chose to drift for about a year, feeling nothing. Even doing theatre, which is my true passion in life (definitely more on that later), meant very little to me. I don't remember much about that year, but the climax that woke me up was making a very bad choice. That choice forced me to take a hard look at who I was and who wanted to be at that moment, as opposed to wanting to be the woman I was working toward when I was with him. I kept holding on to that part of myself, waiting for that reality and future to return to my life, and that thinking is what kept me stuck for that year. I desperately needed to completely redefine myself. As one example, I cut off my long hair, which was a huge deal for those who knew me. I was raised as my parents' princess, so I always kept long locks to reflect that. But I was a princess no longer due to the choices I made. I needed a physical change that helped me cope with that and face it.
So this last year has been about finding solid ground to stand on within myself. About letting go of the past, and finding a new future to work towards. There have been mistakes and relapses, but I do feel more confident in myself, meaning I can stand and lift my head, as opposed to weeping on the ground constantly. I feel more definite now in who I am.
But I can feel myself falling back into bad habits now. I'm being rather timid, trying to please other people rather than myself, and not speaking up anymore. Part of it I'm sure is attempting to reconcile with my "ex" (I have always hated that word, it sounds like I've completely negated who he was to me and him as a person) as we keep running in the same circles and we are currently working on a project together. I feel the way I did when he first left, that same girl lying down through life, feeling nothing, praying things will go back to the way they were. I despise that "person" I was back then, yet here I am. This is not his fault, it's mine. As my sister likes to quote from The Princess Diaries, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I am slipping back into this persona because it's familiar. That terrifies me.
So this blog is an attempt to get myself back on track and remind myself that "Fortune favors the brave," not the "Content to merely exist." I feel the need to be honest with myself when I write and not embellish. And putting it all online is just another great push not to lie to myself. So if others read this, awesome. If not, it will force me to examine myself and tell the truth about who I am, where I want to be, and how I want to get there. So it's a win-win!
Thanks for reading this far, and I hope to share my adventures and discoveries with you.
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