How do you leave the past behind....when you see it three times a week?

In which we learn why Tanya's best friends are theatre people (including the ex?)...

When I was a child, I always saw myself as an adult. I had a whole lot of personality and I showed it off. I was a ham and I knew I was the most awesome person that had ever graced this earth. I never hesitated doing anything or talking to anyone, because it never crossed my mind that it was something I shouldn't be doing. I'm sure this attitude came from being the first grandchild and niece on both sides of my family. I was special and everyone told me so.

It wasn't until I got to the awkward teenage years that my outlook in life shifted. Let's blame junior high, because I don't know anyone who had an easy time there. It's an odd time for anyone, because in that "society," those who are outspoken or different are usually shunned and misunderstood. Most kids try their hardest to fit in rather than stand out. Plus being in the midst of puberty makes you feel even the littlest things a hundred times more than you normally would.

So being thrown into a daunting situation where every judges everything about you was extremely jarring for me. I was so painfully self conscious (mostly because I was pimply and my hair was frizzy and I had started to gain weight, isn't growing up magical?), and no one reminded me I was special. I became introverted and shy, because when I would say or do something I wouldn't have hesitated to do before, I was met with derision and disapproval. That led to so much self-doubt, loneliness, and fear. I desperately wanted to be seen and liked. It isn't until you gain perspective with age that you realize that most of those kids wanted the same things. Even the ones who looked the most together.

I started being awfully self-deprecating and depressed. I lost my own personality and related to people by telling them what they wanted to hear. I was so starved for friendly interaction and I wanted to be seen. This is how I became a people-pleaser. About the middle of ninth grade, I found theatre and it literally saved my life. I don't know what would have became of me had I not been prodded to audition for the musical. I was at such a desperate state.

Getting in to high school, things started to get easier. I would come alive onstage and found "my people." Slowly, I gained my own footing. People saw me and started to pay attention. But I never lost that fear of disapproval by my peers. I still "acted" in my everyday life and told people what I thought they wanted to hear. One quote sums up those years for me:

"On the stage (s)he was natural, simple, affecting. Twas only when (s)he was off, (s)he was acting."

-Oliver Goldsmith

Not to say that I didn't make true, lifelong friends during that time. They recognized what I was going through and they pushed me to be braver and realize my vast potential. Not just in theatre, but in my everyday life too. They included me in their lives and became part of mine. I stood out above the crowd, hand-in-hand with people I loved. That very first theatre family still influences my acting and life today.

Same thing happened in college. I made extraordinary friends, including my now best friend, Taylor. After we had been in a couple theatre classes together and began talking, he recognized in me something lovely, and helped me develop it. I also fell in love for the first time doing theatre class in college, and that young man helped me find myself even more. He saw me as more than I ever thought I could be, and I am so grateful to him for getting me to that next step.

Theatre people are exceptional people.

So when I met my now ex-fiance, I was so much more confident in who I was. I could hold up my head and shine. I met him when Taylor and I did our first play together outside college. And for the first time, someone truly saw me for who I was without me having to say anything. I didn't have to try to impress for the first time in my life. He was impressed by simply my friendly eyes and smile. He had never even heard me speak, and he couldn't stop smiling and sneaking glances at me. Our first kiss was backstage, with such fireworks. And life was beautiful.

We were together for two and a half years, and I grew up immensely. I don't even recognize who I was before that time. I grew into my own person. Though many people contributed to who I am today, no one has been more influential (for good and bad) in the person I am right now than him.

So now, I am living my life without him. His choice, not mine. Twice. But I'm still doing theatre, and trusting it to help me find myself again. I fell in love with theatre before I met my ex, and nothing has changed. Nothing can keep me from that, so it's something solid to hold on to. I may have lost my hold and faith in other things, but never that. So he and I reconciled mostly based on our mutual love for this very personal art form. Despite everything, we still play very well off each other.

But it will never be easy to watch him flirt with other women. Watch others adore him and see the man I've always seen, even in his darkest times. I've started to go inward again. I smile and laugh because that's what people expect of me. Then I go downstairs and scream in frustration, come back up and act with the man I used to love. It is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done.

One of the most annoying things about this whole situation is that he can see this. He can see that I'm struggling to smile and enjoy myself while doing my passion in life. That my smile doesn't reach my eyes. So he'll tell me an inside joke or start to sing something we used to sing together, and heaven help me, I smile. I smile so big. I start glowing. In that moment, I'm reminded that I'm a beautiful, special person and someone else knows that intimately. That I'm not isolated from the rest of the world. He still sees me without me trying to impress him.

Maybe there will be a day when I won't need him to remind me of that. When I won't feel the need to initiate contact with him. He's not even that good of a friend to me outside when we're acting together. We never hang out or catch up besides the five minute breaks we get (unfortunately, not for lack of me trying). That isn't enough for me right now, but it's my reality. My pride is gone from forgiving and giving him so many chances to be in my life. Again, I'm falling back in to people-pleasing because it's comfortable.

I'm freaking twenty-six years old. If I don't start standing on my own again, it's always going to be this way.

Sigh. I really didn't start this blog to moan about my ex like so much of the Internet, but I made a commitment to write without fear and with complete honesty. The truth? You shouldn't be in a situation where you have to hang out with your ex three times a week. No matter how adult about it you are, it will still screw with your head and heart.

Theatre love you long time!

"Here we are now, entertain us..."

In which we learn why Tanya started a blog....

As stated in my About Me column, this blog is mostly for me to figure some things out. I am at a crossroads in my life, and I honestly don't know what direction to commit to. My high school English teacher said to me that you can't really know what your answer to anything is until you sit quietly and write it down. Writing, or verbal vomiting as she was fond of saying, helps you work things out in your own mind and can take you to a place within yourself that you could never had recognized had you not started to write whatever came into your head without fear. Many of my classmates and I learned surprising truths about ourselves and each other by this simple exercise.

I am a big believer in the quote, "Fortune favors the brave." I first heard that quote in the "Hush" episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and then later in the musical Aida. Those words struck me deeply, as they still do. Because bravery is not my natural inclination, this quote is a constant reminder that if I want my life to be more than empty experiences and dull interactions with people, I need to do the things that frighten me. They lead me to beautiful, crazy fun, breathtaking experiences more often than not. This motto has also helped me create the most amazing relationships that I would never have had if I had not been brave enough to initiate that first contact or pick-up line, even as silly and simple as it was at the time.

But as I approach my twenty-sixth birthday, simply being brave just isn't cutting it anymore. I've had wonderful things happen to me (more importantly, I went out and helped them happen), but I'm not remotely close to where I want to be at this age. A huge part of this feeling comes from my fiance calling off our wedding and leaving me two years ago (possibly more on that later, but that story doesn't have a place in this post). The rug was completely pulled out from under me and I fell on my face. The life I had built and the future I was preparing for was suddenly gone....with no more ceremony than a car driving away from me. And there was nothing I could say. He gave me no choice but to accept this new reality.

I did however have a choice in how to handle it. I chose to drift for about a year, feeling nothing. Even doing theatre, which is my true passion in life (definitely more on that later), meant very little to me. I don't remember much about that year, but the climax that woke me up was making a very bad choice. That choice forced me to take a hard look at who I was and who wanted to be at that moment, as opposed to wanting to be the woman I was working toward when I was with him. I kept holding on to that part of myself, waiting for that reality and future to return to my life, and that thinking is what kept me stuck for that year. I desperately needed to completely redefine myself. As one example, I cut off my long hair, which was a huge deal for those who knew me. I was raised as my parents' princess, so I always kept long locks to reflect that. But I was a princess no longer due to the choices I made. I needed a physical change that helped me cope with that and face it.

So this last year has been about finding solid ground to stand on within myself. About letting go of the past, and finding a new future to work towards. There have been mistakes and relapses, but I do feel more confident in myself, meaning I can stand and lift my head, as opposed to weeping on the ground constantly. I feel more definite now in who I am.

But I can feel myself falling back into bad habits now. I'm being rather timid, trying to please other people rather than myself, and not speaking up anymore. Part of it I'm sure is attempting to reconcile with my "ex" (I have always hated that word, it sounds like I've completely negated who he was to me and him as a person) as we keep running in the same circles and we are currently working on a project together. I feel the way I did when he first left, that same girl lying down through life, feeling nothing, praying things will go back to the way they were. I despise that "person" I was back then, yet here I am. This is not his fault, it's mine. As my sister likes to quote from The Princess Diaries, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I am slipping back into this persona because it's familiar. That terrifies me.

So this blog is an attempt to get myself back on track and remind myself that "Fortune favors the brave," not the "Content to merely exist." I feel the need to be honest with myself when I write and not embellish. And putting it all online is just another great push not to lie to myself. So if others read this, awesome. If not, it will force me to examine myself and tell the truth about who I am, where I want to be, and how I want to get there. So it's a win-win!

Thanks for reading this far, and I hope to share my adventures and discoveries with you.