Acting Speaks Louder Than Words

In which we learn why I vow to spend a lifetime this way....

It's really hard for me to put how I feel about theatre into words. So impossible to explain coherently and give the bursting feeling inside of me voice. Those of you in on the madness of stage will understand the pull to get there. The impossible longing born out of inspiration to be seen, heard, and share the burning soul inside of you. The hole in your heart that is filled when you're in the midst of that inspirational chord, or left weeping on the thrust of the stage, or the kiss shared after an hour and a half of buildup.

Theatre: the only place where someone grabs you like 

this makes you think "Whoo-hoo, what a powerful moment!"

I've already gone some into how I got into theatre. How it helped me find who I was. How I never feel more worthwhile or comfortable with myself or others than I do when onstage. But I don't think I've attempted to explain how it makes me feel and how I know I'll do it the rest of my life.

At times, I feel it tug at my heart so strongly. I have to close my eyes and feel it wash over me. Sometimes, like tonight, I am inspired to just run away and start singing. Find a stage somewhere, even when it's empty, and start rattling off a monologue.

Truth be told, I've actually done this...many times. In high school, I used to go into our theatre/auditorium during the day when I knew no one would be there. I would mostly do monologues, as I was afraid belting out a song would alert someone to my one-man show. Mostly, I'd be Laura from The Glass Menagerie, as I felt overlooked by all the guys I had crushes on and wished they'd pay attention to me, look into to me, and understand me, like Jim does for Laura. I'm sure you can relate to this.

But sometimes, I'd stay after school and wait for everyone to clear out. Most of the teachers and faculty at that time would be tucked away in their offices, perhaps listening to music. At least I was least likely to be caught that way. I'd sing Goodnight, My Someone and know my future love would hear me. Or 30/90 and try to imagine the impossibly of turning thirty. And even though it's a man's song, I'd sing Any Dream Will Do and I'd be the someone who was weeping. It was so extremely cathartic, and I would always feel better about life afterward.

Tonight, I felt such inspiration listening to Tick, Tick...BOOM! while sketching. I got so overwhelmed with emotion, I had to put down my drawing, turn Johnny Can't Decide up full volume, close my eyes, and imagine I was onstage. Feel all the notes and passion in the actor's voice wash over me. I felt like I was there with him.

There's particular lyrics from Why that touch me so deeply. Jonathan Larson explains the pull of the stage better than I ever could:

When we emerged, wiped out by that play
Nine o'clock, stars and moon lit the way
I thought,
Hey, what a way to spend a day
Hey, what a way to spend a day

I made a vow
I wonder now
Am I cut out to spend my time this way?

With only so much time to spend
Don't wanna waste the time I'm given
Have it all, play the game
Some recommend
I'm afraid, it just may be time to give in

When I emerge from B Minor or A
Five o'clock, diner calls, I'm on my way
I think,
Hey, what a way to spend a day
Hey, what a way to spend a day

I make a vow
Right here and now
I'm gonna spend my time this way
I'm gonna spend my time this way

The first time I listened to that song, I knew exactly what he meant. Given our experiences and desires are vastly different, we both vowed a long time ago to spend a life in theatre.

Unlike some, I have no desire to do anything besides community theatre for the rest of my life. I've never wanted to be in film, never try to break into Broadway, never (shudder) get to American Idol or whatever reality show have you. I'm not saying any of these choices are above or beneath me (except maybe the "reality shows"). I greatly respect and admire the ones who aspire to such heights.

Though, I admit, I see the appeal!

I've just always had the sense inside of me of where I'm supposed be. Where I belong. Community theatre is all about heart and the cast is family. The people I've had the honor of working with are about boosting each other up, putting on something worthwhile, and standing hand in hand. Never raising one actor above another. The feeling I get there is rare and beautiful.

And I know that's where I belong.

Standing hand in hand with my friends on the stage we love.

Where it all started

I have a worthwhile voice! At least for today...

In which we learn why today is a good day to speak up...

"The moment a person finds their voice is the moment their life takes on grace."

So. I've been avoiding this blog because I've been avoiding my own voice. After the last two posts, I realized how tightly I was holding on to the past. Of course, it being shoved in my face for two months didn't help. I didn't....I don't....want to be that woman anymore. The good news is, this realization has done what starting this blog was meant to do: Introduce myself to truths that I maybe haven't wanted to face. So new year, new start, new post.

I have managed to take the next step in my life. I moved in with my two best friends, and that is huge. I always thought when I moved, it would be for college, or when I married. Neither of those came, so I took this step semi-alone. I believe it's for the better. For instance, I'm a bit more of a clean freak now. I cleaned the kitchen last night. I even cleaned the microwave. Whoa, crazy! Who does that? I must be responsible or something.

Yay, responsibility!

I also made a resolution, as is customary. A bit of background: my childhood best friend, Lydia, is serving a mission in a low tech part of the Philippines. No running water, no air conditioning, etc. It's been daunting for her, to say the least. It's really tested her faith and her natural optimism. At times, Lydia would send me emails that I knew she wrote with tears in her eyes. She doesn't complain, but you could hear the weariness in her "tone." I was lucky to get to talk to her on Christmas Eve, and asked her how she was doing with her struggles. She surprised me. Lydia told me that once she started to focus on what is and what she could do with what she had rather than what she wished she could do and what she wished she had access to, she found happiness and inner peace.

Lydia and I

That really struck me. Of course, you always know you should count your blessings and do the best with what you have...but hearing in that context, keeping in mind Lydia's situation, touched me. I can be content where I am and still do wonders. As with resolutions, I have slipped and wished and pined for what I'm missing. But there's always one of Lydia's missionary pictures I can look at and be reminded if she can thrive and inspire others and herself in her situation, I can certainly do the same here.

In addition, I will try to keep up with what I've started on this blog and not be afraid. (besides, it's not like anyone I actually know reads this...and if I'm wrong....whoops) Strangely, I am reminded to what one of my friends struggling with alcoholism once told me. He said that he takes his struggle one day at a time. In his life, he cannot say that he will NEVER drink again, but he can make the commitment not to drink today. It has helped him feel less overwhelmed. So today, I kept up my blog and promise to be honest with myself. 

I have worthwhile things to say and I will trust my voice...

At least for today.

Look, hope and stuff!

How do you leave the past behind....when you see it three times a week?

In which we learn why Tanya's best friends are theatre people (including the ex?)...

When I was a child, I always saw myself as an adult. I had a whole lot of personality and I showed it off. I was a ham and I knew I was the most awesome person that had ever graced this earth. I never hesitated doing anything or talking to anyone, because it never crossed my mind that it was something I shouldn't be doing. I'm sure this attitude came from being the first grandchild and niece on both sides of my family. I was special and everyone told me so.

It wasn't until I got to the awkward teenage years that my outlook in life shifted. Let's blame junior high, because I don't know anyone who had an easy time there. It's an odd time for anyone, because in that "society," those who are outspoken or different are usually shunned and misunderstood. Most kids try their hardest to fit in rather than stand out. Plus being in the midst of puberty makes you feel even the littlest things a hundred times more than you normally would.

So being thrown into a daunting situation where every judges everything about you was extremely jarring for me. I was so painfully self conscious (mostly because I was pimply and my hair was frizzy and I had started to gain weight, isn't growing up magical?), and no one reminded me I was special. I became introverted and shy, because when I would say or do something I wouldn't have hesitated to do before, I was met with derision and disapproval. That led to so much self-doubt, loneliness, and fear. I desperately wanted to be seen and liked. It isn't until you gain perspective with age that you realize that most of those kids wanted the same things. Even the ones who looked the most together.

I started being awfully self-deprecating and depressed. I lost my own personality and related to people by telling them what they wanted to hear. I was so starved for friendly interaction and I wanted to be seen. This is how I became a people-pleaser. About the middle of ninth grade, I found theatre and it literally saved my life. I don't know what would have became of me had I not been prodded to audition for the musical. I was at such a desperate state.

Getting in to high school, things started to get easier. I would come alive onstage and found "my people." Slowly, I gained my own footing. People saw me and started to pay attention. But I never lost that fear of disapproval by my peers. I still "acted" in my everyday life and told people what I thought they wanted to hear. One quote sums up those years for me:

"On the stage (s)he was natural, simple, affecting. Twas only when (s)he was off, (s)he was acting."

-Oliver Goldsmith

Not to say that I didn't make true, lifelong friends during that time. They recognized what I was going through and they pushed me to be braver and realize my vast potential. Not just in theatre, but in my everyday life too. They included me in their lives and became part of mine. I stood out above the crowd, hand-in-hand with people I loved. That very first theatre family still influences my acting and life today.

Same thing happened in college. I made extraordinary friends, including my now best friend, Taylor. After we had been in a couple theatre classes together and began talking, he recognized in me something lovely, and helped me develop it. I also fell in love for the first time doing theatre class in college, and that young man helped me find myself even more. He saw me as more than I ever thought I could be, and I am so grateful to him for getting me to that next step.

Theatre people are exceptional people.

So when I met my now ex-fiance, I was so much more confident in who I was. I could hold up my head and shine. I met him when Taylor and I did our first play together outside college. And for the first time, someone truly saw me for who I was without me having to say anything. I didn't have to try to impress for the first time in my life. He was impressed by simply my friendly eyes and smile. He had never even heard me speak, and he couldn't stop smiling and sneaking glances at me. Our first kiss was backstage, with such fireworks. And life was beautiful.

We were together for two and a half years, and I grew up immensely. I don't even recognize who I was before that time. I grew into my own person. Though many people contributed to who I am today, no one has been more influential (for good and bad) in the person I am right now than him.

So now, I am living my life without him. His choice, not mine. Twice. But I'm still doing theatre, and trusting it to help me find myself again. I fell in love with theatre before I met my ex, and nothing has changed. Nothing can keep me from that, so it's something solid to hold on to. I may have lost my hold and faith in other things, but never that. So he and I reconciled mostly based on our mutual love for this very personal art form. Despite everything, we still play very well off each other.

But it will never be easy to watch him flirt with other women. Watch others adore him and see the man I've always seen, even in his darkest times. I've started to go inward again. I smile and laugh because that's what people expect of me. Then I go downstairs and scream in frustration, come back up and act with the man I used to love. It is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done.

One of the most annoying things about this whole situation is that he can see this. He can see that I'm struggling to smile and enjoy myself while doing my passion in life. That my smile doesn't reach my eyes. So he'll tell me an inside joke or start to sing something we used to sing together, and heaven help me, I smile. I smile so big. I start glowing. In that moment, I'm reminded that I'm a beautiful, special person and someone else knows that intimately. That I'm not isolated from the rest of the world. He still sees me without me trying to impress him.

Maybe there will be a day when I won't need him to remind me of that. When I won't feel the need to initiate contact with him. He's not even that good of a friend to me outside when we're acting together. We never hang out or catch up besides the five minute breaks we get (unfortunately, not for lack of me trying). That isn't enough for me right now, but it's my reality. My pride is gone from forgiving and giving him so many chances to be in my life. Again, I'm falling back in to people-pleasing because it's comfortable.

I'm freaking twenty-six years old. If I don't start standing on my own again, it's always going to be this way.

Sigh. I really didn't start this blog to moan about my ex like so much of the Internet, but I made a commitment to write without fear and with complete honesty. The truth? You shouldn't be in a situation where you have to hang out with your ex three times a week. No matter how adult about it you are, it will still screw with your head and heart.

Theatre love you long time!

"Here we are now, entertain us..."

In which we learn why Tanya started a blog....

As stated in my About Me column, this blog is mostly for me to figure some things out. I am at a crossroads in my life, and I honestly don't know what direction to commit to. My high school English teacher said to me that you can't really know what your answer to anything is until you sit quietly and write it down. Writing, or verbal vomiting as she was fond of saying, helps you work things out in your own mind and can take you to a place within yourself that you could never had recognized had you not started to write whatever came into your head without fear. Many of my classmates and I learned surprising truths about ourselves and each other by this simple exercise.

I am a big believer in the quote, "Fortune favors the brave." I first heard that quote in the "Hush" episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and then later in the musical Aida. Those words struck me deeply, as they still do. Because bravery is not my natural inclination, this quote is a constant reminder that if I want my life to be more than empty experiences and dull interactions with people, I need to do the things that frighten me. They lead me to beautiful, crazy fun, breathtaking experiences more often than not. This motto has also helped me create the most amazing relationships that I would never have had if I had not been brave enough to initiate that first contact or pick-up line, even as silly and simple as it was at the time.

But as I approach my twenty-sixth birthday, simply being brave just isn't cutting it anymore. I've had wonderful things happen to me (more importantly, I went out and helped them happen), but I'm not remotely close to where I want to be at this age. A huge part of this feeling comes from my fiance calling off our wedding and leaving me two years ago (possibly more on that later, but that story doesn't have a place in this post). The rug was completely pulled out from under me and I fell on my face. The life I had built and the future I was preparing for was suddenly gone....with no more ceremony than a car driving away from me. And there was nothing I could say. He gave me no choice but to accept this new reality.

I did however have a choice in how to handle it. I chose to drift for about a year, feeling nothing. Even doing theatre, which is my true passion in life (definitely more on that later), meant very little to me. I don't remember much about that year, but the climax that woke me up was making a very bad choice. That choice forced me to take a hard look at who I was and who wanted to be at that moment, as opposed to wanting to be the woman I was working toward when I was with him. I kept holding on to that part of myself, waiting for that reality and future to return to my life, and that thinking is what kept me stuck for that year. I desperately needed to completely redefine myself. As one example, I cut off my long hair, which was a huge deal for those who knew me. I was raised as my parents' princess, so I always kept long locks to reflect that. But I was a princess no longer due to the choices I made. I needed a physical change that helped me cope with that and face it.

So this last year has been about finding solid ground to stand on within myself. About letting go of the past, and finding a new future to work towards. There have been mistakes and relapses, but I do feel more confident in myself, meaning I can stand and lift my head, as opposed to weeping on the ground constantly. I feel more definite now in who I am.

But I can feel myself falling back into bad habits now. I'm being rather timid, trying to please other people rather than myself, and not speaking up anymore. Part of it I'm sure is attempting to reconcile with my "ex" (I have always hated that word, it sounds like I've completely negated who he was to me and him as a person) as we keep running in the same circles and we are currently working on a project together. I feel the way I did when he first left, that same girl lying down through life, feeling nothing, praying things will go back to the way they were. I despise that "person" I was back then, yet here I am. This is not his fault, it's mine. As my sister likes to quote from The Princess Diaries, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I am slipping back into this persona because it's familiar. That terrifies me.

So this blog is an attempt to get myself back on track and remind myself that "Fortune favors the brave," not the "Content to merely exist." I feel the need to be honest with myself when I write and not embellish. And putting it all online is just another great push not to lie to myself. So if others read this, awesome. If not, it will force me to examine myself and tell the truth about who I am, where I want to be, and how I want to get there. So it's a win-win!

Thanks for reading this far, and I hope to share my adventures and discoveries with you.