Acting Speaks Louder Than Words

In which we learn why I vow to spend a lifetime this way....

It's really hard for me to put how I feel about theatre into words. So impossible to explain coherently and give the bursting feeling inside of me voice. Those of you in on the madness of stage will understand the pull to get there. The impossible longing born out of inspiration to be seen, heard, and share the burning soul inside of you. The hole in your heart that is filled when you're in the midst of that inspirational chord, or left weeping on the thrust of the stage, or the kiss shared after an hour and a half of buildup.

Theatre: the only place where someone grabs you like 

this makes you think "Whoo-hoo, what a powerful moment!"

I've already gone some into how I got into theatre. How it helped me find who I was. How I never feel more worthwhile or comfortable with myself or others than I do when onstage. But I don't think I've attempted to explain how it makes me feel and how I know I'll do it the rest of my life.

At times, I feel it tug at my heart so strongly. I have to close my eyes and feel it wash over me. Sometimes, like tonight, I am inspired to just run away and start singing. Find a stage somewhere, even when it's empty, and start rattling off a monologue.

Truth be told, I've actually done this...many times. In high school, I used to go into our theatre/auditorium during the day when I knew no one would be there. I would mostly do monologues, as I was afraid belting out a song would alert someone to my one-man show. Mostly, I'd be Laura from The Glass Menagerie, as I felt overlooked by all the guys I had crushes on and wished they'd pay attention to me, look into to me, and understand me, like Jim does for Laura. I'm sure you can relate to this.

But sometimes, I'd stay after school and wait for everyone to clear out. Most of the teachers and faculty at that time would be tucked away in their offices, perhaps listening to music. At least I was least likely to be caught that way. I'd sing Goodnight, My Someone and know my future love would hear me. Or 30/90 and try to imagine the impossibly of turning thirty. And even though it's a man's song, I'd sing Any Dream Will Do and I'd be the someone who was weeping. It was so extremely cathartic, and I would always feel better about life afterward.

Tonight, I felt such inspiration listening to Tick, Tick...BOOM! while sketching. I got so overwhelmed with emotion, I had to put down my drawing, turn Johnny Can't Decide up full volume, close my eyes, and imagine I was onstage. Feel all the notes and passion in the actor's voice wash over me. I felt like I was there with him.

There's particular lyrics from Why that touch me so deeply. Jonathan Larson explains the pull of the stage better than I ever could:

When we emerged, wiped out by that play
Nine o'clock, stars and moon lit the way
I thought,
Hey, what a way to spend a day
Hey, what a way to spend a day

I made a vow
I wonder now
Am I cut out to spend my time this way?

With only so much time to spend
Don't wanna waste the time I'm given
Have it all, play the game
Some recommend
I'm afraid, it just may be time to give in

When I emerge from B Minor or A
Five o'clock, diner calls, I'm on my way
I think,
Hey, what a way to spend a day
Hey, what a way to spend a day

I make a vow
Right here and now
I'm gonna spend my time this way
I'm gonna spend my time this way

The first time I listened to that song, I knew exactly what he meant. Given our experiences and desires are vastly different, we both vowed a long time ago to spend a life in theatre.

Unlike some, I have no desire to do anything besides community theatre for the rest of my life. I've never wanted to be in film, never try to break into Broadway, never (shudder) get to American Idol or whatever reality show have you. I'm not saying any of these choices are above or beneath me (except maybe the "reality shows"). I greatly respect and admire the ones who aspire to such heights.

Though, I admit, I see the appeal!

I've just always had the sense inside of me of where I'm supposed be. Where I belong. Community theatre is all about heart and the cast is family. The people I've had the honor of working with are about boosting each other up, putting on something worthwhile, and standing hand in hand. Never raising one actor above another. The feeling I get there is rare and beautiful.

And I know that's where I belong.

Standing hand in hand with my friends on the stage we love.

Where it all started

I have a worthwhile voice! At least for today...

In which we learn why today is a good day to speak up...

"The moment a person finds their voice is the moment their life takes on grace."

So. I've been avoiding this blog because I've been avoiding my own voice. After the last two posts, I realized how tightly I was holding on to the past. Of course, it being shoved in my face for two months didn't help. I didn't....I don't....want to be that woman anymore. The good news is, this realization has done what starting this blog was meant to do: Introduce myself to truths that I maybe haven't wanted to face. So new year, new start, new post.

I have managed to take the next step in my life. I moved in with my two best friends, and that is huge. I always thought when I moved, it would be for college, or when I married. Neither of those came, so I took this step semi-alone. I believe it's for the better. For instance, I'm a bit more of a clean freak now. I cleaned the kitchen last night. I even cleaned the microwave. Whoa, crazy! Who does that? I must be responsible or something.

Yay, responsibility!

I also made a resolution, as is customary. A bit of background: my childhood best friend, Lydia, is serving a mission in a low tech part of the Philippines. No running water, no air conditioning, etc. It's been daunting for her, to say the least. It's really tested her faith and her natural optimism. At times, Lydia would send me emails that I knew she wrote with tears in her eyes. She doesn't complain, but you could hear the weariness in her "tone." I was lucky to get to talk to her on Christmas Eve, and asked her how she was doing with her struggles. She surprised me. Lydia told me that once she started to focus on what is and what she could do with what she had rather than what she wished she could do and what she wished she had access to, she found happiness and inner peace.

Lydia and I

That really struck me. Of course, you always know you should count your blessings and do the best with what you have...but hearing in that context, keeping in mind Lydia's situation, touched me. I can be content where I am and still do wonders. As with resolutions, I have slipped and wished and pined for what I'm missing. But there's always one of Lydia's missionary pictures I can look at and be reminded if she can thrive and inspire others and herself in her situation, I can certainly do the same here.

In addition, I will try to keep up with what I've started on this blog and not be afraid. (besides, it's not like anyone I actually know reads this...and if I'm wrong....whoops) Strangely, I am reminded to what one of my friends struggling with alcoholism once told me. He said that he takes his struggle one day at a time. In his life, he cannot say that he will NEVER drink again, but he can make the commitment not to drink today. It has helped him feel less overwhelmed. So today, I kept up my blog and promise to be honest with myself. 

I have worthwhile things to say and I will trust my voice...

At least for today.

Look, hope and stuff!